


Triggers

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Triggers [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, mentions of domestic violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24357379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: She had spent fourteen of her years of her life with a man who had degraded her in every single way possible. This was the hardest part of loving her, the feeling of helplessness because there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about the past.A collection of one-shots and drabbles based around certain triggers for Maddie.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Triggers [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1765093
Comments: 8
Kudos: 35
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	1. I Can Do Better

It was their first argument. 

It was their first argument that had been one hundred per cent, unequivocally her fault. 

Maddie still felt the sting of his words though, the comparison of what she was doing to Tara being what Doug had done to him. She hated herself, mostly because she hadn’t thought of it in that way but now, because it was all she could think about. How somehow, along the way, she had become _just_ like him. 

Chimney had driven them there, which meant she had to awkwardly follow him towards his car after he had stormed off. Only, when they got to the car, she paused, unsure if he would even want to be sitting next to her for the next fifteen minutes. There was a knot in her stomach, her heart clenched, the tell-tale signs that she was about to burst into tears – Chimney was standing there, but for a second, she saw Doug. She was twenty-one years old again, more than a little drunk after her birthday party, she had accidentally stumbled into someone as she and Doug made their way to his car, only for Doug to drag her away and accuse her of flirting. The argument had been loud, she had fought back as hard as she could until he pushed her to the ground and drove off, leaving her behind. 

Even just for a second, she thought Chimney was about to drive off without her and she wasn’t sure she could blame him. He was angry at her, probably disappointed too – that hurt more – and she had no idea how to fix it. Instead, despite the look on his face and the fact he couldn’t even look directly at her, he still moved to open the car door for her, patiently waiting for her to slide inside when she paused, a brief look of confusion on her face. 

The drive was awkward, Maddie constantly shifting in her seat, folding her arms and then unfolding them, cracking her knuckles as she glanced from Chimney, to the road in front of them, and then to the passenger window over and over again as though she was waiting for him to do something. He didn’t make a move though; his hands remained on the steering wheel and his focus on the road ahead. She didn’t know if it was the situation or the fact he had mentioned his name, but her head couldn’t help but take her back to the times Doug had yanked on her hair as he drove or slammed her head against the window. The memory of how he had once slammed on his brakes so hard, she had smacked her head on the dashboard after she had burst into tears whilst he had gone into details of what he was going to do to her when they got home – and none of it had been remotely appealing. 

She felt sick, all the memories she tried so hard to move on from were flooding back all at once and she was trying so hard not to let Chimney see. He had every right to be angry at her, her lies had hurt him in a way she had never expected. But the more she thought about it from his point of view, the worse she felt, the more she hated herself. Each passing second increased the burning shame she felt. Her intentions had never been to hurt anyone – especially not Tara, and even more so, not Chimney. But she had seen the pain in his eyes, she had heard the disappointment in his voice. 

What was usually a car journey filled with laughter as they sang loudly along with the radio, was instead filled with silent tension she hadn’t suffered with him before. When he pulled up outside her apartment building, there was an overwhelming sense of relief but also sadness because it hadn’t been resolved. She didn’t want to end the night with him hating her, not when she had only been telling her brother the day before how amazing things were. How happy she was. She wanted to cling to that happiness more than anything, that complete and utter joy Chimney brought her. Even if she didn’t feel as though she deserved it right then. 

He still didn’t say a word when he got out of the car, not saying anything when Maddie hadn’t moved after he had opened the car door for her once again. Her hand shook as she took off her seatbelt, and she kept her head down when she moved to get out. She half-expected him to drive off there and then, but as always, he was a gentleman. If he wasn’t staying the night, he’d still make it a point to walk her to the door of her apartment. She followed him, biting down harshly on her lip until she could taste blood in an attempt to stop herself from bursting into tears. Doug hated it when she did that – accused her of trying to cry her way out of any situation. It never worked. 

“C-can you come in? I don’t...” She was the one to break the silence when they got to her door, “Even just for five minutes? I don’t want...” A tear fell and she loathed herself for it, quickly wiping it away when he nodded his head when he took the keys from her shaking hands after she had dug them out from her bag as quickly as she could, before he could change his mind. She watched as he unlocked the door and walked inside, still without saying a word as though he didn’t trust what was going to come out of his mouth.

When the door was shut and it was just the two of them, she found herself taking a deep breath, as though she was bracing for an impact that never came. Instead, Chimney looked defeated, as he slumped down on her couch. She wasn’t sure he would say anything until he finally looked at her, “I can’t believe you would do this, Maddie.” There it was. And if she was honest, she couldn’t believe it either. “I don’t even know what to say to you other than what’s already been said, I just... I don’t understand you sometimes.” 

The anger was building inside him, she could see it, the way his voice was rising when he gestured his hands towards her before he groaned and put his head in his hands. The realisation that, not only had this brought up memories on her side, but also for him, suddenly hit her. And if she hadn’t hated herself already, she did right then. “I’m sorry.” She finally managed to get out, and she took a step towards him, running through all the possible scenarios in her mind which would force him to forgive her.

“I don’t need you to be sorry, Maddie! I need you to fix this, I need you to tell her the truth because what you’ve done is not okay. It most definitely was not okay when Doug did it to me and it’s not okay now. Just because your intentions are different, it doesn’t mean its right.” The woman could only nod her head, “Come here.” He finally said, his anger relenting as he sighed and shifted to the edge of the couch so he could reach out to her. 

_Come here_. She felt as though she was back in Hershey, Doug sitting in front of her with a smirk on his face, daring her to step towards him. She knew what would happen if she did, she knew the pain all too well but she also knew how to distract him. 

“I-I can make this b-better...” She stammered out, ignoring the way Chimney tilted his head to the side in confusion as his hand dropped to his side. “I know, you can apol—“ He stopped mid-sentence as she dropped to her knees in front of him, “I can do better.” 

He didn’t move to push her away, and Maddie saw that as her invitation to carry on – if it had worked for so many years on her husband, perhaps she could get her boyfriend to forgive her in the same way. It made sense in her head, even when she felt him tense beneath her as her hands scrambled to unbuckle his belt. She heard him say her name, but she was focused on the task, knowing if she made him feel good, maybe it would make her life that much easier later. 

It was only when her fingers fumbled with his zipper that he grabbed both her arms, his grip tight, “Maddie!” It was enough to make her flinch and finally, look at his face, the panic visible in both their eyes. “Please let me make you feel good...” Her voice was barely a pathetic whisper, the tears finally falling before he slipped off the edge of the couch to join her on the floor. 

“Fuck,” His eyes welled up with tears, before he wrapped both his arms around her shaking body, “Fuck.” He repeats, as though he doesn’t know what else to say to the sobbing woman, her head buried in his chest and her hands gripping onto his shirt. He knows Doug is gone, but for a moment he feels as though he’s right there with them, and he wonders if he always will be. She had spent fourteen of her years of her life with a man who had degraded her in every single way possible. This was the hardest part of loving her, the feeling of helplessness because there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about the past. 

He lets a few more minutes pass, his own tears falling when he hides his face in her hair, his hands lovingly rubbing circles on her back in an attempt to calm her down. Before eventually, the sobs dampen down and she seems to relax just a little. Just enough for him to feel as though he can pull back and take her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him. It was the embarrassment in her eyes this time that breaks his heart, never wanting her to feel any shame for everything she had gone through. Everything he was still learning about her. 

“I’m going to repeat this as many times as you need to hear. I’ll tell you every single day if I have to. We’re going to argue, Maddie, we’re going to disagree and I need you to know that it’s not going to end the same way as they did with Doug.” She still flinches at the mention of his name, and it breaks his heart, “When we have sex... it’s amazing, that connection we have, it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before and it means everything to me that you trust me enough to let me touch you that way.” His thumb gently stroked her cheek before his forehead gently pressed to hers, his lips moving to press against her nose. 

“Don’t ever feel like you need to use sex to appease me or distract me or... for any reason other than the fact we _both_ want to have sex. Can you tell me you understand, please?” 

The relief washed over him when she sniffed and gave a slight nod of head, followed by softly spoken words, “I understand.” There was a momentary pause, until she opened her mouth again, “I’m so-“ He knew exactly what she was going to say, and he hated it, he hated Doug and he hated that it didn’t matter how much he loved her, he could never erase the past. Even though he would give anything to be able to do so. 

His lips quickly moved to hers, and he brushed her hair behind her ears, giving her a gentle peck on the lips just to silence her. “You did something stupid but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed, okay?” He knew by fixed, it meant the truth would be out, Tara would probably hate Maddie and he’d have to comfort the woman. But that was still a better alternative than what was currently happening. 

“Will you stay?” She finally asked, “I promise not to accost you.” Chimney felt himself relax at the attempt of a joke, and he let out a soft laugh, his lips moving to her forehead.

“Always.”


	2. Talk Too Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "You talk too much."

"You talk too much." 

That stung. 

It felt as though he had punched her in the chest. Her heart clenched, tears stung her eyes and she fell into immediate silence. 

It wasn’t the first time she had heard it, only that time had been quickly followed by hands around her throat. And that still didn’t compare to the amount of pain she felt right then. “Sorry.” She finally managed to get out, her voice cracking when the tears finally poured over. 

She heard the sound of his chair scraping back against the floor and she quickly dropped her fork and jumped up before he could get to her side. “Maddie, no… I was joking.” His voice was dripping with guilt, but it was too late. The words had been spoken, they were ingrained in her memory. 

Her chest heaved, and she tried to find the air, her head shaking when he tried to approach her once again. It was hard to imagine, just a few moments before, she had been running through her day, excitedly talking about some of the calls she had and some stupid joke Josh had told her. She had barely touched her food because it was the first time she had seen Chimney in over twenty-four hours, and she had been so damn happy to see him. 

Her bottom lip quivered and she felt herself moving backwards until her back hit the wall. He knew better than to push her, knowing exactly when she needed him to wrap his arms around her and when she needed him to leave her alone. “I-I’m just gonna go to bed.” She muttered, hating how much his words had an impact on her. 

“Do you want me to sleep on the couch?” 

“Yeah.” 

* * *

The guilt still hadn’t eased the morning after, the night having been spent on the couch as he tossed and turned, thinking about the hundred other ways he could have phrased what he said. In the hardest moments throughout the night, he hated how he had to think about what he said before he actually said it aloud, in the fear it would trigger something within her. But then, he’d remember that he loved every single part of her, even the difficult parts. 

And whilst he had been joking, it wasn’t as though the hints hadn’t been dropped in the past. Doug had spent years degrading her, forcing her into silence. It was easy to see how what had been an innocent joke on his side, could mean something entirely different on hers. 

She had said all of five words to him before she headed to work, barely looking him in the eyes. It left him at a complete loss, unsure how he could snap her out of her own head. 

He avoided Buck for the entire shift, not able to admit to him that he had, unintentionally, fucked up. And, he had no idea how he was meant to fix it or if he even could. There was a weight on his shoulders that couldn’t be eased by anything other than hearing Maddie ramble on about her day. 

By the time he got home, she was already there, curled up on the couch with a book. And for just a moment, he almost forgot about the look on her face the night before. This time, when she looked at him as the door closed, he saw the tinge of pink flushing her cheeks as she chewed on her bottom lip. “Hey…”

The awkward tension between them remained, and Chimney tried his best to remind himself that, no matter what, they would get through it. It would be filed under the ‘things not to mention’ pot. “I know you were only joking.” She was the one to break the silence and he felt his shoulders drop, as he quickly nodded his head. 

“I-I was, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” 

“I forgot.” He looked at her confused, about to ask her what she meant until her mouth opened again, “You… you should be able to tell me to shut up when you want to. It shouldn’t hurt me like that, I should have just laughed it off. I forgot that I wasn’t… _normal_.” 

“What’s normal?” He scoffed, moving towards her until he hesitated, his eyes on her face so he could gauge her response, noting how she didn’t flinch. Instead, her hand reached out towards him, “I’m sorry. It hit me quickly, I-I shouldn’t… I wish I didn’t react that way.” 

He took her hand, “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, I think it surprised both of us. I just wish…” 

“You wish I wasn’t such a mess? That you didn’t have to think about everything you say? That–” 

“No! No-god, no. I hate what happened, Maddie, but I wouldn’t change you for the world. I just wish that I could take it away.” With a frown, he tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, “I wish you could distinguish in those darkest moments between me and him, but I know you can’t help that. I know you can’t control your triggers… I-I just wish, if I could take even half the memories and the pain from you, I would.” 

There was nothing she could say in response, instead, she gave a tight smile and a squeeze of his hand. “You don’t talk too much though, I love hearing about your day. I was trying to be funny.”

“It wasn’t very funny.” Her nose scrunched up, “But I love you anyway.” 

“Do you want to tell me about your day?” 

“Okay, so…” 


End file.
